Every now and then we need a sign that says “Perspective Required” so that we can approach a certain situation forewarned!
A conversation today with my youngest went like this:
Her: Mommy, when I find someone to marry, I can get my own iPad and my own iPhone!
Me: You don’t need to be married to get those things. You need to go to school, work hard, get a good job that pays you your own money and then you can buy your own things.
To give you a little background to this, I have banned iPhones and iPads during the week until Friday afternoon. Two reasons for this:
- They are becoming obsessed with it and I want them to go outside and play in the sunshine instead of watching some woman in Sweden DIYing her glitter make-up!
- I don’t want them using up too much of our monthly internet allowance and then it runs out when I need it for my blog. (I never said it was all altruistic!) ?
Let’s get back to the big picture here … How this conversation with my four-year-old daughter made ME feel?
Terrified
Terrified because it appears that the example I am setting for my daughter as a Stay At Home Mom who blogs is that you can only have nice things if your husband buys them for you.
Worthless
Worthless because she thinks I need my husband to give me the nice things I have because I don’t work.
Determined
Determined to make sure that she knows that it’s not up to anyone else to give you the things you want. It’s up to you to work hard to get them for yourself.
Blessed
Blessed that I do have a husband who works hard and gives us the nice things we have. He also greatly respects the role I play for our family. I just hope that my girls will recognise this one day when they grow up.
Frustrated
Frustrated because I don’t contribute financially to be able to buy the nice things for him sometimes. Having to tell him WHY I need the money is hard and it feels like it’s him buying himself something.
Guilty
Guilty because the impression she has is so skewed and she only sees the obvious in front of her … daddy works, he brings in the money, he pays for the nice things. Mommy stays home. She doesn’t work. Daddy gives her the nice things.
Is That The Reality? Is She Right?
The reality is that our scenario is by far unique. The situation as she sees it is normal. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It used to be ‘the norm’, but less so in modern society when more and more people are either forced to both work. That, or they are given the choice and now there is a ‘new’ stigma attached to being a *whisper* Stay-At-Home-Mom! Whilst I am a mommy blogger, and I do make some money, sometimes, it’s hardly enough to make a dent, and it is certainly not a steady or reliable income.
Nevertheless, I want more for them. I’ve even written about this before. Sadly, not much has changed since then, but in turn, fortunately not much has changed since then. It’s a matter of perspective, and fortunately as an adult I have the luxury of that perspective, something a four year-old doesn’t. Yet, but she will. One day.
The reality is that a small part of me is ashamed. Ashamed that I don’t contribute meaningfully financially. Ashamed that by even thinking that thought, I know I myself am devaluing my own contribution to our family. No one else, just me.
To put it in perspective:
I am proud that I am there for all of them all the time, even if we, as a family, have to make sacrifices for that privilege. Sacrifices they don’t even know about, and don’t need to know about.
Even if they don’t know how lucky they are, we’re just doing what’s best for us.
For now.
I just need to remember that, as in most situations in life, a little perspective is required.
A Blogging Good Time
Don’t feel guilty you work very hard at home running around and doing so much
I definitely think no matter what, as women we will always devalue ourselves. Your daughters will definitely get it when they’re older. Maybe only when they have kdis of their own, but they definitely will get it.
Once they’re in school…I use the tactic that if they don’t study, they’ll flip burgers at McDonalds for a living or beg for money at a traffic light and never be able to provide for themselves. lol. My daughter already knows when the speech is coming and she’ll be like…yes yes I know. I won’t get a job and I’ll be homeless. LOL.
haha … loving the tough love approach.
Yes, sadly we are often more at fault for devaluing ourselves, than men are. My husband fully supports (and enjoys the advantage of) me being at home with the kids.
It’s my issues, not his or theirs I guess.
Definitely…I am sure your husband must be so grateful for what you do. We are the ones doubting ourselves. You’re so awesome….please…know your worth <3 Easier said than done I'm sure though.
I am sucker for blogs like this. I grow so much as a 20 something by getting perspective from women who lead by example. Your honesty always have me hooked. I am not a mom but I have a little sister and a god daughter and I am pretty much a grown up kid myself. Thank you for always writing from an unfiltered experience . It enhances my vision for my own blog.
Thank you for your lovely comment. I find that writing stuff from the reality of my own perspective always seems to go down better with my readers than when I get ‘lost’ and my writing is diluted.
My husband was a stay-at-home-dad for the first three years of our daughter’s life by choice and he had a similar experience. I assured him that she’ll realize one day the profound meaning of what he did for her and our family by becoming the main caregiver. Don’t feel too bad, she will understand someday!
Thanks. I know. It’s all part of the price.
This is something I also struggle with at times, thanks for sharing!
Do not feel guilty or ashamed! Just think of how much you accomplish during the day while the girls are at school! Just think laundry, cleaning, cooking a nice meal. Probably half of that would be accomplished if you were working!! You are a great mother from what I read, and your children will learn both prospectives of hard work. One of looking up to their father for working outside of the house, but then up to you for teaching them all the fabulous household tricks!!
Thanks so much.
Please don’t feel guilty – even though you don’t have a paying job or contribute financially to the household, doesn’t mean your contributions in other aspects goes unnoticed. I envy people like you who can stay at home and keep the fort going. Your kids might not see it now as they are still young to have that perspective, but one day when they are bigger they will get it.
Thanks lovely. I do realize that, it’s just hard to keep my perspective when you hear things like that from your kids.
Oh my friend, I get it… I get all of it, all those feelings. And when you’re having one of those “I’m useless, I contribute nothing to this family financially” moments… even a loving husband telling you that you contribute so much more and that he appreciates you can fall on deaf ears. It’s easy to lose perspective now and then, human nature I guess.
You should never feel guilty or ashamed, there is more to running a family than just providing the money. We all know that our men actually have it easy and going to work is much simpler than staying at home looking after small children! Cut yourself some slack and your daughter will soon learn that there is also satisfaction in earning her own money. #ablogginggoodtime
Hmmm…… I think it’s a really tricky one and I doubt there is a right answer other than what is working for you the most. Don’t feel guilty though about your choices. It’s impossible to have it both ways. Being the main person running your home, schedules and looking after your children is a huge job and very worth while! Thank you for sharing with the #DreamTeam xx
I believe that each family must do what works for them. I am a working mother and i love it, dont have a choice either way. Being a SAHM is also work, and I think its really awesome that you are there for your family all the time in this special way.
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